Ghosting: why some people vanish without a word, and how to deal with it

You started chatting on a dating app, met up a couple of times, the messages were constant and then, suddenly, nothing. No reply, no goodbye. Your messages sit on «read» or never seem to arrive. This way of ending a relationship without any explanation has a name: ghosting, because the other person vanishes like a ghost, as if they had never existed.

A new word for something old

Disappearing without warning is not a modern invention, but dating apps and instant messaging have made it far easier and more common. The term became popular in the mid-2010s, and in 2017 the American dictionary Merriam-Webster officially added this meaning of the verb «ghost». Today it is used not only for romance but also for friendships and even job recruitment.

How common is it?

Research agrees that it is quite common. In a study published in 2019 in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, about one in four respondents said a romantic partner had ghosted them, and roughly one in five admitted to having ghosted someone. The same study found something curious: people who believe in «destiny» in love, the idea that a relationship either works from the start or does not, were more likely to see disappearing as acceptable.

Why people do it

Qualitative studies, in which people are asked about their reasons, point to several motives:

• Avoiding conflict. Saying «I don’t want to continue» feels uncomfortable, and vanishing seems easier.
• Convenience. When the relationship was short or only by text, some people feel they owe no explanation.
• Lack of interest or of the skills needed to communicate feelings.
• Safety. In some cases a person disappears because the other showed aggressive, pushy or inappropriate behavior. Here ghosting can be a way of protecting oneself, and it is understandable.

Why it hurts so much

Ghosting combines two hard things: rejection and uncertainty. Brain imaging studies have shown that social rejection activates areas that overlap with those that process physical pain. And unlike an explicit breakup, ghosting gives no clear account of what happened. The mind tries to fill the gap, and it is easy to slip into self-blame: «What did I say wrong?», «Did I do something?»

Without an explanation, it is also hard to close the chapter. Many people keep checking their phone for days or weeks, waiting for a message that never comes.

Ghosting’s cousins

In recent years other related terms have caught on:

• Breadcrumbing: sending occasional messages to keep someone interested without any real intention of committing.
• Orbiting: no longer talking to someone but still watching and reacting to their social media posts.
• Zombieing: when the person who ghosted reappears weeks or months later as if nothing had happened.

What to do if you are ghosted

• Do not take it as a verdict on your worth. Ghosting says more about the other person’s way of communicating than about you.
• If you need to, send one last message that is clear and calm, for example: «I notice we’re not talking anymore. If you don’t want to continue, I understand. I wish you well.» Then stop pursuing it.
• Limit obsessive checking of your phone or their social media. Muting or archiving the conversation can help.
• Talk to people you trust. Sharing what you feel reduces the sense of rejection.
• Give yourself time. It is normal to feel sad or angry, even if the relationship was brief.

If you notice that an experience like this keeps affecting you for a long time, disrupting your sleep, your concentration or your enjoyment of other things, talking to a mental health professional can help a great deal.

How to end things without disappearing

If you are the one who wants to end a conversation or relationship, you do not need a long speech. A short, honest and respectful message is usually enough: «I enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t feel this is going anywhere. I wish you all the best.» The exception is when the other person has behaved aggressively or makes you feel unsafe: in that case your safety comes first, and blocking them and walking away is a legitimate choice.

In short

Ghosting is common, especially in the early stages of a relationship and in digital settings. It hurts because it combines rejection with silence, but it does not define who you are. Saying «no» respectfully is a small gesture that can spare another person a lot of pain.

Shixart1985 / Wikimedia Commons (CC BY 2.0) · source